whathurtsthemost.

Its been a rollercoaster of emotions.Mind boggling, heart wrenching and emotions swirling moments for the past few months. I am tired. Truly tired. I don't think I can go on further. And even if I do manage to stumble through, my legs will give way soon. Because I am tired. I truly am. This journey has been emotionally draining and I just want to let go without truly wanting to let it all go. I guess thats life as we all say when we encounter situations like that. Its ok to be HB as Gwen once said.And though I keep telling myself that, I just cannot seem to pick myself up totally and just move away. Because each time I try, I fall. Harder. Deeper.All over again. Well, I guess I just gotta wait and see where all this ends.

its ok to be HB.right.

Rascal Flatts-What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Wake me up.

I am stupid.Slap my face and wake me up to reality.

Ending a relationship is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream." "We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice.""Often times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesnt mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.""Some people say the worst way to miss someone is when they are right next to you and you know you can't have them, but it's worse when you thought you didn't want them anymore and then all of a sudden you realize you can't live without them.""Deep in my heart, I'm suffering, knowing that I've lost you. On the outside, I'm living, pretending that I've forgotten you.""A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain.And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty.""How can I promise you forever when tomorrow is so far away from me?How can I dry your tears when I have a bleeding heart inside of me? How can I ever forget you when your name is etched so deep within me?""They say no matter how dark the night is, the sun always rises again ... I say lost love makes one realize that no matter how bright the day is,the sun will always set again.""A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling.. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you..""Who do you run to when the only person who can make you stop crying, is exactly the one who is making you cry?" ( Taken from Gordan's friendster)

Goodbye.

I really have to thank Gwen for being there especially yesterday and today. You are my rock of support too. I heart you many many babe. Its been an mindbogglingheartwrenchingemotionsswirling kinda journey for the past few weeks. Sometimes I wonder if all this is worth it because you make it seem that I have always been saying the wrong things and hence you end up getting hurt. But, honestly you leave me confused every time you speak. Maybe, and just maybe I shouldn't ask for much and just let you be because sometimes, somethings are just never meant to be. And maybe, like you have said, I have hurt you. But now, it depends on you to tell me if this is important to you. But if it isn't, then I guess I don't know what else to say. Goodbye.

Because Of You
I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you

.emotional detachment is the key to having successful human relationships.

I've got loads of issues running through my mind.About me.you.him.her.the past.the present.and the ever looming future.I realized that to a large extent, I have moved on.But, when it comes to trusting the opposite sex, I feel the need to be skeptical.So that comes to the crucial point, have I really moved on? In terms of feelings, I have. In terms of having another relationship, yes. But, in terms of trusting the other party, the answer would be not really or no would be a more direct answer I guess. I've had enough of broken promises, sweet nothings and what nots. What I would really appreciate would be the truth and nothing but the truth.

Met up with Gwen nn Friday Night for some acid bar-ing time. Music was not as fantastic as the previous time but there were a few good songs. It was a good meet-up for much need-ed issues before the year draws to a close. I realized that Gwen and I may be quite different in many ways but when it comes to certain issues we really think alike, issues such as relationships and friendships and trust and moremoremoremoremore. Met someone after that, and that has also set me thinking.Should I be emotionally detached?

Babe, I know its gonna be tough.But no one ever said that its gonna be easy either.Life's like a mountain. The higher you climb, the stronger the storms and the bigger the obstacles. Just remember that no matter how complex things can ever be, just remain true to yourself and what you have always believed in. Remember that I'll always be right behind you, to catch you when you stumble and fall.

As for me, I have decided that love is not that important after all. I mean, I have always thought that for a relationship to flourish, love is the most essential factor but now my thoughts have changed a little. I rather be with him because I know that he'd never cheat on me. Because I know he would never hurt me intentionally. You might say that I'm crazy for being so certain especially since I have also always said that life's unpredictable and that there are no guarantees. But you know what? For once, I am just gonna deviate from my usual train of thought and do what I feel like doing. He said he's willing to give me time and it doesn't matter if I don't love him now because he knows that someday, in someway, I will begin to love him and that's enough for him. He's one of the very few guys I have ever met who he treats me with total respect and is super honest to me. To me, 2 things are important to me while being in a relationship. Number 1:Trust.Number 2:Love. But it all boils down to me right now. No matter what I have been saying, can I really be with someone I don't have that kinda feelings for? As for the people I have liked or like, I don't have that assurance or rather that comfort feeling that he will remain true to me. Being cheated on once was more than enough and I don't need you to join the list. So FUCK off. Thanks.

But, does it all matter now? I'm just gonna work hard, party harder and get to know more people. I know this is so not me.But, who cares? My life, I live it. Whether you like it or not, I don't care.Because you never mattered or so I'm telling myself. No matter how difficult its gonna be, I am going to try and be emotionally detached. Simply because emotional detachment is the key to having successful relationships. Whether I can be emotionally detached is but yet another issue because people who know me, will know that I am very sentimental and soft-hearted. But, I am gonna try to be as detached as I can because I don't want to present you with an opportunity to hurt me.ever again.

And from that day, I realized that I can never trust you and true enough, I never can.

goodbye.

p/s: thanks for the much needed talks, especially to Gwen, Lisa, Kumar and Melissa's group. The group that feels like my parents because they care too much. But at least I know that no matter what happens, they will stay behind and clear the mess with me, when I know that you would never stay.

Goodbye.

It felt so good to cry.And let it all out.Its been 2years and 9 months since "us" became just you and me, and not "us" anymore. With the year drawing to a close I have been thinking too much about what could have been if "us" had still existed. I have forgiven but I have not forgotten.And by not forgetting, I have become numb and unfeeling towards emotions.How ironical.

I know I have to clear everything that reminds me of "us" and though I have not gotten around to doing so, I have made a promise, a promise to myself, that I will clear everything, every single fragment of everything that reminds me of "us" before the year draws to an end.This is a promise.
Yesterday, a message got deleted not by me, but by someone else.I wanted to delete another one today but I could not find that phone.The phone that holds an ocean of memories.

Thanks for the shoulder and thanks for you being you by simply just being there.
Much appreciated.

Enough of the past because now I'm looking forward to my future.The future without you.
Goodbye.

Goodbye and keep cold.

I don't know where to start.At the beginning. At the end.Or don't start at all. In my previous entry I mentioned that human relationships will always be complicating and that it will always be better to keep a safe but not so significant distance from people. Practice what you preach you all say. But one of the most difficult things to do in life is to practice exactly what you preach. I have let my guard down time and time again. The walls were brought down and my defenses were low. I should have known better than to let my guard down and allow new people to know the inner me. The innocence of friendship. Tainted? I don't know and to a small extent I wonder if i should really care because it hurts to lose a friend, a good one at that. But it all doesn't matter anymore right? Because I can't turn back time and neither can you.

And now.
This friendship has gone down the drain.
Because both you and I know that things will never be the same ever again.
I hope this makes you happy.

Goodbye and keep cold.

complicated.

Human relationships will always be complicating. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be possible to maintain friendship among a group of people without getting too close but yet not keeping a significant distance either.

"Don't let your head rule your heart
Don't let your world be torn apart
Don't keep it all to yourself
Just let all your emotions run free"

weak.

And you know what they say about the people you love the most. They have the power to hurt you the most too. We all have the choice of moving away but do our emotions allow us to do so? It is our vulnerability, our love towards the people we honestly care for that brings us down to reality. That words hurt more than actions do. Easy to say, don't let it affect you. You say that you have done it all, for issues to stop suffocating you.But the simple truth is that no matter what you say to youself or how strong you may appear to be, you will still be affected. Because you are weak. You should stop running away. Running away from the bare truth. That you have always been weak. And that you'll still be weak. Because that's who you are and just what you are. When the people around you lean on you for support, they think you're strong. Strong enough to climb the highest mountains and face the monstrous storms. Because in their eyes, you have always been the most practical and the most logical. But could it all be just a facade? As you stagger through the dark, you stumble, you fall. You pick yourself up and say that's never going to happen again because "I've been burnt once too many times". But you never learnt. Not in the past and definitely not now. But, maybe, just maybe, you are beginning to learn to stop succumbing to your vulnerability. Because, now you're beginning to feel the warmth from the pouring rain. Because, now you're in tune with the bare withered tree. All because, you have finally become distant.

cold.

I have become numb.Cold. Unfeeling.And more.Just like the blankets of snow crashing down plain glass windows, I feel covered, smothered. I stop to breathe. I stop to think. I need the warmth. I need the space. " Hold my hand and I'll guide you through", he says.But my question is how long will you stay? Like the stars that twinkle at night, will you show me some light?

Lost.

Why do we all exist? A question that remains to be answered. I have thought about my purpose. My purpose in life. My purpose in life is to be be all that I can ever be.But somewhere, something is inevitably blocking my path.I try hard to find my way through this endless maze. I try to be different.But yet, sometimes I am consumed and suffocated with this infinite amount of superficial attachments. I am lost. In this myraid of uncertainties I am meandering endlessly. Sometimes I wonder, if I do have a purpose. A purpose that would give me the light, the shine and maybe a little more. A purpose that would lead me out of this dark tunnel. I just need a little more hope. Hope, that someday I will find my true purpose instead of being blinded by the things that will never matter in the end. This continuous cycle of living life each day in the same way is getting to me. Live life differently you say. But how different can it all be you tell me.There is a limit to how much one can take and I think I am nearing that limit soon. Not now.But maybe sooner that I had initially expected.So.Save me now.Before I drown in this endless myraid of uncertainties.